Feb 25, 2023
Alina (0:00:29):
Namaste. Welcome to our continuing series Evenings with Sraddhalu.
Sraddhalu (0:00:37):
Namaste. Happy to be with all of you.
Alina (0:00:39):
We are happy to continue this series. Today, “Raising and Educating the Children”, Part V. Our current theme has been for a while already, and we are still answering today some questions that we received from our viewers last time, and then we will continue with the phase of “Accelerated Growth”.
You may post questions on this theme in our chat box, or as usual, you may send your questions beforehand at our email address integralstudies.in[at]gmail.com.
We have one question, we received from Mahadevan: “I vaguely recall some movements supporting co-rooming in the west, and one of the stated benefits was much lower SIDS. Can you provide some views on co-rooming versus babies sleeping in a separate room?”
Sraddhalu (0:01:52):
Yes. Although we have touched upon these two themes separately, the full picture coming together will be helpful. But first, before we take up this question, I want to make a brief announcement that today's session will be shorter than usual and about one hour at most, because just after this I have another session with the La Grace – Integral Life Center in the US which will also be an online lecture on the theme of “Science in Savitri”. For those of you who would like to attend that after this is over, I will post the links on the chat box.
So there are two ways you can join that. One is to go to the Facebook where on Facebook you can just watch the video as it streams live. The other option is that you can register, which is a free registration, after which you will automatically get a link which takes you to the Zoom call, where you can be part of the Zoom call itself. I have posted both links on the chat box. For those of you who are watching this later, you will find the recording in the Facebook itself. It will stay on, but I will also put it on our YouTube channel Integral Studies subsequently, sometime within the next few weeks. So you will not miss anything.
Coming back to the question itself from Mahadevan, he is linking two parts of our discussion. You will recall right at the beginning of this set of discussion on “Raising and Educating Children”, we had spoken of the little babies being separated at birth or being made to sleep in a separate room in their own little crib and how it affects the bonding and also the deeper psycho-spiritual nourishment which they might receive otherwise. And last time we discussed sudden infant death syndrome, where I put it in the context of how science itself is often wrong, and seriously wrong, by asking mothers to place their babies face down on the bed to prevent sudden infant death when in fact as it was found many years later, many decades later, that, that was increasing sudden infant death and to place the babies on their back was safer.
So, Mahadevan is linking the two things that there is, there was a movement in the west generally which encouraged having the babies sleep in the same room as the parents and one of the benefits that they had claimed was reduction in sudden infant death, and so he asked for views on co-rooming with babies being in the same room as parents versus babies being in separate rooms. This although covered, there's an aspect which has not been so strongly discussed and so I want to take this occasion for it.
(0:05:07):
You see, nature has formed as far as possible through the use of instinct all the stages necessary, not only for the development of the child, but also for the security of the child, as well as the deeper, higher nourishment. One of the instincts which is there very rooted in all species is, at the moment of birth, the child turns with all senses to bond with the mother, particularly. That moment of attempt to bond is crucial. In certain animals in nature, it is so obvious.
For example, I think it is with ducks, that from the point the chickens hatch, the first thing that they see moving around, they attach to as if it is their mother. So if it is the duck-mother, they will bond with the duck-mother and then thereafter automatically, instinctively, follow that mother in a line. Or if at that moment, and some people do that, some children, human children will come in the place of the mother and move around, whatever is moving, the babies chicks will bond to, and after that they will follow that human as if it is their mother, or a dog, or anything else.
So there is a very interesting movie which was made about a human who had bonded or to whom the chicks had bonded. As the chicks grew older, they still looked upon this human as their mother. And at some point in the movie, they have this person flying a little open plane and the birds are flying behind in a V-formation as if they're following their mother. Fascinating! So this bonding instinct is extremely important, and it is there in humans equally.
But for some reason, and this reason also I will touch upon, this separation at birth has been institutionalised. It is a perversion. We must understand that.
And it started, as I understand it, largely during the state communist ideology where the goal of the statism, you see communism has a spiritual truth, but then there's the statism, which Sri Aurobindo warned about, where the state becomes, takes the place of the Divine and then becomes an enforcer of a uniformity. The state communism developed its own science to be able to impose uniformity and thereby control human beings from the, let's say, Central Politburo. And the technology for controlling people, making them pliable, making them obedient, passive and uniform was highly developed, particularly in the last century. And around the time of the Second World War, it was refined into a very advanced science of mass control and mass influence.
So one of the things they found was that: if you allow this bonding to family, it prevented the uniformity of the collective. So they wanted to break that. They wanted to break the individuality, both of the individual as well as the individuality of the family unit. And so you will see the last hundred years, very strong, organised, structured effort to break the family unit, to turn children against parents, parents against children, and so on.
Some of this we had touched before. But you must understand, behind this is an ideology which actually considers that as harmful to the goal of this collectivism and uniformity of the mass of humanity. So that initial instinct which is there very strong in the first few minutes, I will even say up to a few hours after birth, they want to keep the baby separate, and they keep it separate for 24 hours precisely to block this. And who do you bond to? There is nobody. So, you bond to the air, so to say, but that does not fit the individual need and it makes the person insecure. So, this is one side of the story.
The second side is, when you are in the same room with the parents, we have discussed this again in the early stage of our, this part of the series, there is a mutual exchange of energy, of substance of consciousness, biophysical substance. What is the term nowadays that is the preferred use is the ‘bioenergy’ or ‘biofield’ is the term.
This subtle-physical energy including the ectoplasm, etc., which is actually transferred from the mother's body when she is nourishing the child is continuously seeping from the time you hold the child to the child opening to receive, and the mother giving, and so on, there is a continuous exchange and a bond which is like the extension of the physical umbilical where earlier the physical umbilical was the link for biological nourishment, this psycho-energetic umbilical now is very strong, it’s literally on the whole body surface, is still supplying energy which is why the mother feels what the child feels and the child feels the mother. And at that point if you separate, it is like those ducks who suddenly feel ‘oh the mother is gone, where is the mother?’, and it looks, and when it identifies, it quickly chases and follows in line. Something like that happens in the human consciousness.
(0:10:33):
When you separate, something is missing, ‘a part of me is missing’, the mother feels that, the child feels that. But because it has been so drilled-in by the social programming and the cinema programming, media programming and education programming, that people do it thinking this is normal.
It's not. It was never in the last thousands of years, it was never normal. And it is a recent invention in the modern society with this mass control ideology. So there are two things: one is this nourishment that takes place; and the other is the sense of security of the physical body.
You see, the baby-form has just been separated from its mother, it's still feeling the lack of its otherness, its other part. And at that moment to touch, even to have just the contact, you will see instinctively the mother will keep her child on the baby even when it is sleeping if she's sleeping next to it, and you may remove it but in consciousness the energetic link is still there, when that is distanced or separated or cut, you cannot really cut, but you can distance it sufficiently that it feels cut, at that point the child feels insecure in the body consciousness.
So children who grow up with the sense of physical security from the physical presence of the parents actually grow up more healthy and more secure, less insecure psychologically, whereas those who have been separated early on and forced to remain artificially separate imbibe this habit of being insecure. And they don't know why in adulthood, they grow up with that, they don't even know that this is not normal. They feel it as the normal thing to feel. No. It's not.
You are damaged on some level and you compensate for it in various ways. You will see this happen even with very aged people when they tend to be bedridden or when they have very low vitality, it is helpful for them to have someone nearby, someone being present, and they feel secure, ah yes, someone is there. Or you will see this sometimes in couples who have very strong bonds that instinctively they will turn and feel ‘oh where is my partner? My partner is missing’, and you feel something missing.
Of course if the bond is there, otherwise you're relieved, you say, okay thank god, now I'm alone. There's also a separate process of nature which is to separate. Once this bond has been sufficiently developed, used, has served its purpose, the separation process begins, where automatically the mother feels the need to have her own time, and the child feels the need to have his own time, and it starts happening. But when you've had enough, suddenly the habit of insecurity kicks in, the sense of a lack kicks in, and quickly the child comes running.
If you observe these children playing in the, let's say, playground in some park, a child is playing very happily, lost in itself, occasionally will turn and watch its mother, ah she's there, no problem. The mother is busy chatting with her friends, common parents, and occasionally will turn and check, ah my child is well, no problem. And if for some reason the child has a little accident, he falls, hurts himself, something happens, what's the first thing you do?
You don't stop there and say, hha, I fell, let me continue to play. First thing you run back to mom and hug. Why? Think about it.
It's not just nourishment, it's the security in the hug, the sense of protection in the embrace, the sense of being enveloped in the love, and the sense of feeling complete, and in that sense of ‘feeling complete’, also the healing that takes place, psychological as well as physical. These repeated contacts of healing are extremely important:
Separation, joining.
Separation, joining.
Then depending less and less on the physical joining, more and more on the psychological joining, until at some point there is only that psychological love and affection and bond, and even at a distance, which can continue to nourish and you develop more healthy relationships because you're sufficiently stable as an individual, sufficiently independent and secure in yourself.
(0:15:00):
That whole process may take up to 20 years, doesn't matter, but it's a thinning, gradual thinning, and you have to allow it to find its own, let's say, security or rhythm of separation and joining. So, observe the child, observe when the child needs to be alone and separate, allow that, and observe when the child is asking for closeness and security, offer that, and then again allow the separation. And especially once, or increasingly as the child comes into its own, it will of its own demand its privacy, ask to be separate. And that's the time when being in a separate room becomes automatic, even the child will be happy for it.
So what you do is, as the child, when the baby is totally dependent, you are in the same room. As he grows older, if you have the luxury of a separate room, not everyone has, but, you provide a separate space, separate bed, and increasingly allow time in a separate room, where also you will see the night routine, instinctively, is for the parents, especially the mother, to hug the child, put it to sleep and then go away. It won't work if the child comes to parents, hugs and then goes to his room. It doesn't work.
In the act of falling asleep, the child needs to feel secure and then the mother can go away. It still happens when the child wakes up: Where is she? And if the mother has gone out of the house, even if it's for a short time, occasionally there might be a panic: What happened? And you want to ideally avoid that. When it does happen, you can't help it. It’s, you take it as a learning experience. But you don't enforce that kind of a panic experience. You let it happen gradually. As he's old enough, you say, I'll be going out, I'll be back in 10 minutes. If they don't know how to read the clock, you say, when the big hand moves down up to here, by that time I'll be back, and give them some activity, watch them enter immersion in activity, then go away and come, and so on.
So you remember the discussion last time? Observe, the child will show you when you need this. You can go to the next question.
Alina (0:17:21):
Maya is asking: I used to like games like guessing the colour pen in a closed bag or guess the number in someone's head. Can these games be helpful for child's spiritual development or purely para-psychological?
Sraddhalu (0:17:40):
Okay. I think the audio broke a few times.
So, Maya asked, if, uh that she used to like games such as guessing the colour of a pen in a closed bag or guessing numbers in someone's mind: So, are games like this helpful for the child's spiritual development or is it only parapsychological?
I would say, the two are connected. That the parapsychological sensitivity need not be powers, but sensitivity is really your first spiritual sensitivity. You sense things which are just behind the appearances, and that's an entrypoint to the deeper and higher. Sri Aurobindo points to this in the early, in describing the early formation of religions. You cannot help it. Everywhere in nature, in human beings, in animals, on any planet in the whole universe, there are moments when one feels deeper realities, underlying powers, presence in the working of nature.
You are in a forest, you feel it. You feel, for example, when you are watched by an animal, you feel when there is a presence and you know when there is danger or not. But if you can feel an animal, a physical animal watching you, why can't you feel a disembodied being watching you? Because finally it is the same thing. Your experience is the same, practically.
There's a very interesting example from a totally different field of military training where they train sharpshooters. Now a job of a sharpshooter is precisely sharpshooting, so you have given this very specialised weapons that you can aim at a great distance sometimes up to a kilometre away and very precisely made machine, bullets are designed, etc., you have to calculate the wind speed and then be able to hit a target precisely at a great distance. Of course, to different distances with different accuracy, but a sharpshooter supposedly can do extraordinary things.
One of the aspects of their training when they have to hit a human target is, not so nice to discuss but, when you aim at a person like this, the whole focus of the aim is also focus of the mind, there's a build up of a tension in the mind. Inevitably at the moment that you pull the trigger, the person will move and probably turn in the direction of the sharpshooter. Inevitably it happens. Why? Because all of us sense it. We sense when someone is watching us, staring intently, or looking, or strongly, energetically somehow targeting you in a crowd, you’ll just feel it, and instinctively you'll turn.
(0:20:43):
So, one of our teachers did that in school. We were on the first floor, so the teacher brought us to the ledge and pointed to people who were on the ground floor and said, okay, pick one target and let's all stare at that person. Inevitably, within 10 seconds, the person would turn and look up. It's, it’s that simple. It's already there in us. And so for the sharpshooter, one of the training aspects is not to think of that person while you're concentrating in the aim. Interesting!
So that you do not trigger that response, in a sense, you become invisible in consciousness even though you're aiming, you blur out your focus, that one-pointed link to the person, and so on. There's also an interesting angle to this. If somebody aims at you through a telephoto lens of a camera, it's no different from sharpshooter aiming at you with a gun's telephoto lens. Isn't it?
In consciousness terms, you are aiming, concentrated beam of connection, and then you are pushing a trigger. In one case you take a photo, in another case you release a bullet. But psychologically the experience is pretty much the same. Maybe the emotional distress is different. So for somebody who's being photographed equally, there is this thing, and instinctively one senses. So just pointing this out as an interesting example of the sensitivity.
My point is, the sensitivity is to be developed, is to be encouraged, because it is finally sensitivity to deeper and higher things, realities. And Sri Aurobindo points to this as the beginning of religion, because you sense underlying presence, you sense that the presence has an intention and even a power to influence circumstances. In the forest, it's in nature, it's obvious. And what do you do then?
Obviously, you have a reverence or a respect, especially if it's a powerful presence felt. And this is how you will find in all grassroot religions or traditions, they will have a mountain which is sacred, or a tree that is sacred, or some volcano, or something, lake sometimes, where they will say, there's a being. They will name it, they will describe it, they'll have people who can interact with it. Not all mountains, not all lakes, not all trees, some. Why?
Well, they experienced it. Now this is there in all primitive societies, because the intellect has not developed enough to be able to cut you off from these deeper realities. So this is to say, if our intellect is set aside, we all have this sensitivity; the intellect developing, we cut through these sensitivities or we suppress them and turn to something else. And then after you've suppressed all this, you try to re-engage with a deeper sensitivity, probably from an intuitive zone, but having lost something in the process.
So ideally, we make the distinction between this, I will use the word, ‘subconscious’ or ‘subliminal sensitivity’ versus a supraconscious, supraliminal sensitivity, which is what the intuition would open to. But recognising that these two are connected, that having one can help in the development of the other, we would want ideally to assist in, in both. So as a child, you're going through that phase of what may be called ‘early religious sensitivities’, so subliminal, subconscious sensitivity. Build on it. Don't stop there. Don't reduce it to just an occult or parapsychological opening. Turn it rather to something deeper and higher and truer. That would be the way forward.
And if as part of the mind guessing numbers and guessing what is in the bag is enjoyable for you, that means something in your being yearns for developing that faculty. As a parent, I would observe and say, yes, go ahead, let's play with it, let's have a little fun. But then consciously extend it even. Put cards face down, try to feel, sense, pairs, or what is under.
It's not difficult. It's surprising. If you try to guess with your mind, it's difficult or you get it wrong almost always. If you don't try to guess, you just pick a card and without thinking, just say what it is. Very often you'll be close or you'll be right.
(0:25:31):
It’s you're tapping as if on a level which is just below your rational mind. So it, we will call it a “vital intuition” or an “instinct”, and this may prepare you for the higher intuition if you don't stop with it. Sri Aurobindo actually suggests in his writings on education, he speaks about these so-called psychic powers or parapsychological powers. And he suggests that these are necessary part of our evolution, and there will be, there will come a point where we will have these as part of our formal education also.
I do believe that for those of us in whom the interest is spontaneously there to, that we are already ready for it, and one can lead through a kind of an, either a play or even an organised kind of training but being careful not to get into occultism. And I will distinguish these two things.
Developing faculties of perception or sensitivity is fine, it's developing yourself. Engaging with powers, using technical means of ritual or mantra or magical operations, especially while using intermediate powers, all this would come into classifier's occultism to be shunned completely. Keep children away from all that junk. It's dangerous.
This is very different, this is a sensitivity of a direct perception. Even there, not all children may be ready. Not all may consider it healthy. Because also, once you begin to sense, well, you sense things which you may or may not like. So you should know how to deal with it. More important, you should know how to close the perception when you need to. So in practice, people who have these kinds of perceptions, if they have not learnt to close, it is very disruptive, it is extremely intrusive, because all the time you are seeing, feeling or hearing or sensing things and it's not at all nice. So most often, either they lose it or they learn to close it, and then they live in closed life and open when needed, close when needed. That is more useful. Of course, occasionally the presence may intrude, because it's very strong, you just sense it. But otherwise, the ability to close and open becomes important.
I'm giving these as indications for those who may choose at some point to develop these capacities. As adults, if you so feel inclined, you may still do it. Of course, as children, you're already half open. It's easier, but also it can be disruptive. But as adults, we can be less disrupted because we are sufficiently stably individualised, and then one can learn to begin to perceive. Here, though, I would put for us, the priority is, perceive the divine Presence, not intermediate levels.
When for example you are in nature, top of a mountain, you feel the peace, you feel the calm, you feel the wideness, concentrate on using that as an opening to the divine Presence or the Self or whatever your conception of the Self. Don't stop with intermediate powers and presences.
So you perceive: this tree is conscious or it feels as if this tree relates to you. Well, you respect it, you feel it, you perceive what is the sense of the message or the communication from the tree. And then from there extend it to something deeper, wider, higher, vaster. And then this is a part of that.
If you enter into communication with a tree, build a special relationship. Suppose you do feel that naturally happening because the tree is in your yard. That's different. But now if you say, now I'm going to specialise in talking to trees, okay, fun, interesting, but maybe the same energy could be spent in deepening the rapport with the Self. Because finally, it will require the same energy, the same time.
Keep your priorities clear, don't stop with intermediate levels, and I think you'll be fine. I think, that's about it for this question. We can go to the third.
Alina (0:29:54):
From a mother: “My child is refusing to study, how to force her to study? Teachers are upset and complaining, they say, she has a problem. Should I take her to a psychiatrist? Give medication? Withhold her so much, but she does not change. She is not sincere in her work. She is weak and does not even react or fight when others, youngsters than her bully her.”
Sraddhalu (0:30:26):
Yes, this is a very strange question, and I had occasion to just this morning interact with the mother who has raised this question. And the first thing I asked, and then this mother said, the mother was crying, she was crying because she doesn't know what to do with her child because the child is as if now a completely lost case. Teachers are upset, parents are upset and the child feels nothing, nothing. So it seems.
So she's asking, what do you do? Because all the teachers are complaining and do we need to take her to a doctor? So first question was, I said: What’s, what is the age of your child? She's 10 years old. And I said: And what is the problem that the teachers are complaining about? So she does not obey them. Okay, give me an example. So what happened? Apparently there was a test in the classroom. The child wrote out all the answers. And then there was a little box where you had to write your name so that the teacher collects all these and knows which child wrote which paper.
You can see how it's already part of that industrial mentality. So instead of writing her name, she wrote somebody else's name. But all the answers were correct. Teacher is upset because the teacher felt slighted, the teacher felt insulted. And I said to the mother: Do you know why she did that? Because she does not like that teacher. And immediately the mother said, yes, you're right, she hates that teacher. I said: Do you realise why she's doing it?
So, I'm cutting short some of the elements of the conversation, but you see what is happening here in the child. She has just completed with all the correct answers. She doesn't have a problem there, but to put her name on a paper which is going to go to this very nasty teacher, she feels not comfortable at all. So she would rather put somebody else's name that will come in contact with this nasty teacher than sully her consciousness and her name which might go into the teacher's hands. It's all instinctive. It's not thought out. She's feeling uncomfortable about exposing herself and she's holding back.
So what is the problem? I asked. No, she is always, she wants to play, she does not want to study. That was the next complaint of the mother. I said, but 10-years-old is the time when you should be playing and not be studying all the time.
But the work of the, the course is so much, you cannot play, there is no time to play, she has to study all the time.
I said: I am sorry, this is the extremely perverse education that does not allow a 10-year-old child to play. And you have to allow the child to be free and to be able to play. And what is your role? Instead of you driving the child into torture, you should be giving the child the support and the nourishment and the love. While the teachers may torture, you should be the source of love. She said, yes, but what can I do? ‘I want the child, this is her’, she used a very interesting phrase, she said, ‘this is her final exams’. I said: Excuse me, what is final exam? She said, final exam. I said, 10-year-old, how can a 10-year-old have a final exam? She said, that's Class V, it's her final exam, after this, her whole, she enters into formal (middle) school education.
See how terrible this is. And I have seen parents similarly crying because their child hits final exam in Class X, which is final exam before the boards, and then it's the final exam on the XII-th class because after that it's going for higher studies. How many times your ‘final exam’, and you see what the word ‘final’ gives a finality, ‘this is it, you get it, or you don't and you're out’. Oh how horrible!
Instead, if you replace that word by saying ‘oh here's your Class V exam’ would not be so threatening, because another IV, V, VI, VII, is just another number. But you called it ‘final exam’, oh you're in a panic, and the parents are in a panic. And the child is seeing the panic in the parents’ face does not want to participate in this torture and so is refusing to engage, can do, but refuses to engage.
And then I told this mother, I said: everybody is pressuring her, torturing her, harassing her, scolding her. Who is left in the world who will give her love unconditionally if you don't do it? As a mother, it's your first responsibility because you're the only person in the whole world that the child can turn to, for love and for unconditional acceptance, at least at that age. And if you are not able to provide that, you have failed in your primary responsibility. It's not your responsibility to torture her, to drive her or scold her. Unless there's something really harmful that she has done, then the scolding, but again, the form of it may be different.
(0:35:43):
If you do not provide that acceptance and unconditional love, there's nobody else left in the world, who is the child going to turn to? Do you want the child to grow up damaged, feeling that there's no one in the world who loves you and then either going into a shell to protect from hurt or chasing after some imaginary source of love which is always fake, false? Do you want to damage the child from lack of what is the most basic necessity?
So, she got the point at some stage. And then about this whole question of medication and psychiatrist: I'm sorry to say it is a very dangerous trend now, and Big Pharma as you know is only interested in profits to the detriment of people's health, to the damage, sometimes lifelong damage, they want to have lifelong damage because now they have a lifelong customer base of sick people. So if you see even with diabetes, the norms for diabetes 30 years ago used to be a certain sugar level. 20 years ago that level was raised, now they say: Yeah, you're pre-diabetic, but you're not yet diabetic, so it's okay, continue your lifestyle, mess up your body, when you get diabetic, we'll give you the medicine. By the time you reach this much higher level of sugar, already the damage is so great, reversing is difficult, at which point they have you for life taking medicines. So the whole, and they have redefined, three times it's happened, that they have redefined the levels of sugar of what is called ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ or even ‘diabetic’.
So I know somebody who has 150 fasting sugar and the doctor said, oh this is not a problem for your age, it's okay and we will give you medicines, don't worry. When going back, 120 was considered to be ‘ho you have a serious problem, you are diabetic already’.
So, Big Pharma wants to push medicines and they have now brought this culture that if a child has a behavioural problem, you need to give medicines. And so the mother asked them: Does she have ADHD? Can we do a test? Can we treat her for ADHD?
I said: I'm sorry she does not have ADHD. She's just a normal child who's having normal problems from being harassed and tortured by the school system and the examination system and you not giving her the love that she needs. Okay.
I think, the point was sufficiently made. But then I had this very strange thing. She said, she's not sincere in her work. I said: What do you mean she's not sincere? ‘She's not studying. She's not sincere’. I said: What were you at her age? So the mother laughs. She says, no, I was very relaxed, I had no such pressures, I was very happy, nobody was bothering me. But today is different, she has to be sincere in her work.
I said: Were you sincere? She said: Yes, I used to do everything, I was so sincere, I used to do everything the teacher asked, she is not doing. I said: That's not sincerity, that is obedience. You were obedient and you wanted her to be obedient, but that is not sincerity. What is sincerity? In this case, this child is feeling hurt, is feeling that this discomfort with the teacher or with the activity that is being done and she is being sincere to her discomfort. She is actually sincere. Instead of being pretentious and trying to please teachers or parents and being obedient, she is sincere to what she feels to be uncomfortable or even wrong.
So this, I think this was an important point. Unfortunately, especially with parents who have got a bit of a spiritual vocabulary, the vocabulary is warped to fit patterns which, I have had so many parents in the last few years saying ‘my child is not sincere’. What do you mean? Not doing the work, not doing the homework, not obeying. It has nothing to do with sincerity. In fact, it is a warping of the word ‘sincere’, and the child will learn to hate that word. Do not misuse this word, use it correctly, recognise what you are demanding is obedience, Conformity is what you're asking.
(0:40:05):
Finally, the mother had this last criticism: Worry. She's so weak. She does not react when people bully her. Even a three-year-old child is bullying her and she keeps quiet and doesn't say anything. I said: Your child is so sensitive. She's naturally so loving. You want her to hit back? You want her to bully others? ‘No-no, she is very sweet and very loving and she's so sensitive and kind, but how will she survive in the world?’ That is a mother's worry. I said: At this age of 10, if you start asking ‘How will my child survive in the world?’ in a grown-up body, will you have the child start doing physical exercises to grow muscles like an adult at the age of 10? The same thing applies psychologically.
I said: Your first priority now is to protect this sensitivity. You're fortunate, your child is still sensitive and kind and loving even to those who criticise and bully her. Protect this. And this is something very close of the psychic influence within the child. Protect this. And your first responsibility is to protect this by giving her unconditional love. Tell her, I don't care whether you do your homework or not, I don't care whether you obey your teachers or not, you will always be my child, I will always love you, come what may. This needs to be said unconditionally. Not only said, then you have to do it in your behaviour. You cannot be upset, ‘oh you didn't do homework, now I'm upset’, you cannot do that.
So as we are speaking, she says:
The child is in the next room and she has asked me ‘When are you going to call him?’, and she's waiting. I said: That's because she knows what I'm going to say to you. You ‘have to’ ‘be’ unconditional in your love. All those other games of manipulation, etc., which you, I said, you see other children doing, you don't want your child to get to become manipulative and perverse. You want to protect this sensitivity. And as she grows up she will learn to deal with those things. Right now she is not bothered if somebody criticises her or teases her. What's your problem? And then maybe you can teach her how to respond if someone says this, perhaps you can try this out, perhaps you can try that out. In her own way, she can give appropriate responses or not. But you'll have to feel your way and provide always this unconditional protection and nourishment.
So I, I think that covers the question suitably. But I wanted to share some of this because so many parents today get anxious at a young age and somehow want their child to become an adult right now when the child is not ready, even the biology has not started growing. What do you do at that point? You cannot be, you cannot expect the child to be aggressive and protecting herself in some aggressive or perverse way. You have to provide that protection.
And the rule of thumb:
Till the age of 12, when individuality of mind begins to form, till the age of 12, all learning is play, all play involves some learning, do not distinguish between these two things. If the activity is not play, is not fun, is not interesting, it's not useful. Find a way to make it play and through the play let the child grow, and that's the only way it will happen. The moment you impose, the moment you create this artificial threat, fear, pressure, the child begins to close, and the vitality, interest and mind begins to wane, weaken and sometimes revolt if they're strong in vitality. You don't want to create these distortions in the personality.
I give an example here. This is for the time when the child also starts lying, cheating, deceiving to protect itself or to reduce the pressure that comes from parents or teachers. There is a different experience where a child will attempt to lie, to deceive, as part of a play and immediately reveal or while lying, reveal that he is lying, part of a play or an experimentation. And that is still acceptable as a passage of experimenting.
But you have to be very clear with the child: ‘At least with me, you should never lie, I will not lie to you and you should not lie to me, and whatever may happen, whatever you may say, I may be upset but I will not hold it against you.’ You must have this degree of transparency, ideally with both parents.
(0:45:02):
In some cases, the relationship with the father may be different. Even for the children, they have a different, they perceive a different role between mother and father. Depending on what they perceive, you may allow that role to be different. Generally, you see, they call ‘father figure’, somebody that represents a position that is more stable, rigid and thereby, by, from stability comes the sense of being firm or even severe, need not be severe, but the idea is it is firmness.
And from the mother's side, it is the softness and embracing character. We'll discuss that relationship or the role of the genders in one of the soon-to-be sessions. But this, right now I'm just pointing out, observe how the child relates. And then as parents, play the role that is helpful for the child's nourishment.
Remember that there are two sources of nourishment and they are different. They have different roles for the child's perception. Both are necessary. Observe what the child expects from you and find the right balance between the two of you.
But always, the relationship should be: whatever the child may say, you will never punish for speaking the truth. There may be consequences, but there will not be punishments. You broke that, okay, we will repair it. You spilled that, okay, I will help you clean it. ‘We will do it together’ if the child is young. Or if they're old enough, ‘Okay, you need to clean it, you need to go and say ‘sorry’, you need to set right the harm you did’, but no scolding for telling the truth because that is the easiest way to push the child to start lying in order to protect himself.
Who else can he speak truth if he cannot to his own parents? And if now parents cannot or will not allow an environment where the child can speak the truth, the child will now look for somebody else. Sometimes they are their siblings who may not be themselves mature and they will learn bad habits from them because they turn to them for that sharing of truth and in the process may get sucked into some other forms. Or if you're lucky, you have a grandparent with whom you can share some secrets, if the grandparents keep his secret, that is also an aid.
But my point is:
– First, you as parent should be able to provide that base of relationship of trust with each other which means you must live up to your commitment: you will not scold the child for speaking the truth, whatever that truth may be.
– Second, your love for the child will always be independent of anything else. No ‘ifs’, no ‘buts’. Love total always: where you have done wrong, well, we will face, I will help you face the consequences, but I will not stop loving you, and there's nobody in the world who will love you unconditionally, maybe there are others if you're lucky but first role is of the parent's responsibility.
I'm going to take a brief look at the chat box also. Ha, so Danny is asking: “In French if you can have something on Zoom.”
-Yes, there are programmes. Some of these you will find on the YouTube channel under the Playlist of French talks. There are 13 talks. Additionally, there are others which you can also see, which are in French, but I think you will have to contact the people who have organised it from France. I think you'll find a Facebook account which is run by them and you can write to them and they will give you the links for other talks.
Bihan is asking: “Can you please suggest exercises activities for an 8-year old boy with moderate autism to decrease repetitive behaviour, anxiety, hyperactivity?” I think, there was an email from Bihan also about this.
You know, we could suggest many exercises and activities. I have already suggested many in the previous talks. Do take a look at some of those because now we have covered this topic multiple times in different ways. I don't want to repeat.
But more important: I will describe the principle. Observe what the child needs. Observe what are the patterns which trigger the distortions. And then encourage the things which lead the child into immersion in some learning activity, avoid the things which lead into the distorted responses, by nourishing the positive and ignoring the negative.
The error which is often made: you reinforce the negative by saying ‘don't do this’. So just as a example, if I tell you ‘don't think of a donkey’, immediately the picture of donkey comes. You see a sign that says ‘No Smoking’. What do you do? You put a cigarette and then put a cross over it. What are you doing subliminally? Cigarette, cigarette, cigarette, cigarette. Everywhere you are showing cigarette.
(0:50:21):
On the road sign, and this is all deliberately done by the way, it's a strategy used by these marketing companies, on the roadside, they will fund roadsigns that say ‘Don't drink and drive’. ‘Responsible drinking’, – you see now drinking is made into a positive activity.
Even the word ‘drinking’ is a twist. When they say: You don't drink? Of course I drink water. Of course I drink juices. ‘You don't drink?’ means, ‘drink’ has been associated with alcohol. It's a game they have played to warp society's values, to change the meaning of a common word of something you have to do as a biological necessity and they have replaced that by ‘drink alcohol’.
So it's a what is called ‘subliminal programming’, and this play of words is called ‘neuro-linguistic programming’. By playing with the language and triggering associations in the mind, you are literally programming you to think of alcohol and smoking as normal. ‘Only you shouldn't drive, but it's normal to drink’! ‘You are responsible when you drink but you didn't drive’. You see how responsible you are? That's the game.
This is called ‘negative reinforcement’, you will end up with negative outcomes. You tell a child ‘you are autistic, you have hyperactivity’, the child will now look at himself and say ‘Ah, I'm autistic, I'm hyperactive’. And whatever pattern it is, will simply start replicating:
Of course, I'm hyperactive. Why are you bothering me? I'm hyperactive normally. This is me.
And I keep doing.
Instead, you will encourage. You don't say anything. Do not label the children. Do not treat it as a medical issue. Treat it rather as this biopsychological issue. What do you do for a human being who has a problem of blood pressure, hyperactivity and restless mind or body? What do you do today? The most common thing? You go for yoga classes. Isn't it? De-stressing? Well, do the same with your children.
Do it for yourself and with the child together. If you can find a place where there's yoga class, by ‘yoga’ of course we mean not the spiritual yoga but the physical exercises of asanas and pranayam, if you can find a place where you live that has these classes for children, you enrol the child, but you have to start it yourself. The child shall not feel that you're treating him for a disorder that you don't need because you're normal and he's abnormal.
‘You see, all of us, both parents or anyone at home, we're going to do yoga because with this, we will become calm, secure, strong, intelligent, clear mind, free of stress, being focused, being effective, increasing intelligence, all these are benefits, and we are all going to do this, unfortunately, we've waited too long, let's start.’ So the child goes in child's classes, adults go in adults' classes, but both are doing it as a normal thing. By labelling the child ‘abnormal’, the child internalises it and then justifies it and makes no effort because ‘I am sick, I am not normal’ or rebels and exaggerates the abnormality, abnormality as ‘mine’, ‘that's me’.
But more important: by identifying with that pattern, you're entrenching it. So do not label it. Instead encourage the activities which will help to focus attention. So ‘moderate autism’ is very easy to recover from. Give interesting activities. Let the child engage with others, ideally same age, or grandparents, or parents, in activity of game of exchange. Listen to the discussion last time for the psychic being, the exchanging games, where you pass things back and forth, they are extremely satisfying, and that's how you build relationships with the universe, with other beings.
So you'll find all the clues necessary in what we have already discussed. And rather than just giving you some fixed exercises, catch these principles, observe your child, and apply them, with enough examples already shared. Do not treat it as a sickness. I have also spoken before about this and that's why I didn't want to repeat too much.
Much of the causes for hyperactivity is restlessness from poisoning of the food. It's a known research that food colouring triggers irritation in the nerves which makes the body restless and the mind restless. Detoxify the body. Cut out all these packaged foods which also have large numbers of preservatives which are nerve irritants, even poisons, and they're microdosing poisons, not microdosing, they're low-dosing poisons, it's more than micro. Remove all that.
(0:55:10):
Give healthy food, fresh food, nourishing food. If you like, do a blood test, you might find the child is low in B12, deficient in iron, or vitamin D3. Most Indians are. Compensate for it through proper nutritional correction not immediately through tablets. If needed, you take supplements. But very likely just correcting these basic things, everything will fall into place.
Start with the assumption, your child is fine, there is some imbalance due to external factors which you need to correct. And then from there to build increased attention, Behan says, increase attention-span, IQ, self-esteem, emotional regulation.
It's an 8-year-old child. Do not worry about these things now. All these things will unfold naturally as the flower blooms. Trust. Trust that nature will make it happen. All you need to do is provide this nourishing environment. Do not worry about these things, they will happen.
I go to the next question of Anupam. Okay, he says: “Every time when intuition flows, immediately the intellect chases after and loses the flow. And if this problem persists, how can I teach my child about intuition?”
Ha your child may not have the same problem. Don't assume he will have the same. But how are you going to teach a child about intuition? By talking about it, or by asking the child to feel and trust? These things, it's okay to speak about, but first you must have a reference of an experience. It may happen spontaneously, your child says: Ah this happened. I knew. Didn't I tell you before? Sometimes children have that intuition. And you will say that: ‘Yes, you were right, you had an intuition’. There is a word you have linked to an experience.
If you sit the child and say ‘I am going to talk to you about intuition, there is this magical faculty’, it's not going to work. So start with an experience. Or start with your experience, ‘suddenly I got this feeling, I knew this would happen, and I checked, and it was right’. And then you tell the child: ‘all of us have this, observe when you know things without external support, observe’. And this is something which you can develop.
That's how you're going to begin, by an experience or a reference to an experience and then self-observation. And then the key to that is of course being, becoming very quiet and staying in that quietness to become aware and to receive the insight. So then have you done the basic training to make your child habituated to being quiet.
This is something which I want to discuss a little more, maybe next time, that you have to have early exposure to being still, quiet, I will avoid the word ‘meditative’, but at least in the Presence or atmosphere which is conducive to deeper in, introversion and Presence of the sacred. And being habituated to that and being used to staying in a quietly receptive and open state, becoming conscious of the presence and staying with it, all this should be inculcated from very, very early childhood, without using names, it should just be a familiar state, and then you will not have difficulties, and all these things may open up quite naturally.
And I think, I will end with the last question from Manali: “How do I know as parent that my child is a special soul although all parents say their children are special and they know it by inner feeling, my question is, what is the way as you once said about aura?”
Yes, all parents feel their children are special, because it is true. You do not need your child to be more special than another child. Yes, we do use this phrase ‘special soul’, and I will come to that shortly. But first recognise, for you, your child is the most special child or at least should be; and for the child, you are the most special mother or father or grandparent. Isn't it? Or should be. And if you're not, then you've missed something. So, don't make the mistake of saying, ‘just because every parent feels their child is special, I shouldn't claim that’. Okay, don't claim it. But if you feel it, that is your deepest intuition ‘My child is my most precious special one’, it doesn't prevent you from appreciating other children or that their parents feel them as special for them. Isn't it?
(1:00:13):
In a sense, as a mother, you are replicating in a narrow ego-based individuality the spiritual truth of the Divine Mother embracing all beings as her children equally. Every soul is a spark of the divine consciousness formed of her energy, nourished by her and cultivated, grown, helped, nourished by her exclusively, uniquely, in a way that is never repeated with anyone else. And so to the Divine Mother, each child is unique and exclusive in that uniqueness and the most special in that way, and it does not prevent her from having every child as her own unique, very special child.
And from the child's experience, similarly, your relationship with the Divine Mother is unique. There's no one in the whole world that she loves as totally, entirely, and uniquely as she loves you and as you love her. It's the most unique special relationship, never to be repeated. It would be pointless to repeat. Isn't it? To have two of you. They're all unique and she has a unique relationship with them. They will all feel uniquely with her. It doesn't stop you from having this most total and complete relationship.
As a biological, psychological and hopefully spiritual parent, you should also feel the same. And there's nothing wrong with that. So treat it this way, that your child is special.
And the‘special soul’, because the child has chosen you, and especially if you're a conscious mother, you have aspired for a special relationship, a special soul, and what you have been given is aligned to your aspiration as a gift by the Divine Mother who put the child in your womb. So now this phrase ‘special soul’ we use it in a loose way, ‘so this child is a special soul’, to mean that the child is unusually conscious or unusually mature, unusually developed compared to most others. How do you perceive that? Well, you perceive it. You just notice, oh this child is unusually conscious. That's it. For that age.
What it means in the long run? It may mean nothing. Because here's a potential, and the potential may be lost along the way or covered up so totally that the child spends the rest of his life lost. That also happens.
So I, earlier I used to give a lot of importance, ‘oh what a wonderful thing’, but in time I saw, it doesn't work out, sometimes they totally lose their way, totally get covered up, and maybe eventually the psychic being will break through. We have discussed this many times, so I don't repeat. But in itself it means nothing if there has not been the development of that which is a potential.
So anything which you perceive as special, unusually conscious, unusually awake, unusual aspiration, here's a potential. And as a parent, it's your responsibility to do what you can to nurture, nourish, protect, in the way we've already discussed with the earlier question, you are the only person the child can turn to for unconditional love, affection and trust. Can you live up to that and not lose your temper? Even if you're upset, you can say, ‘I'm very upset to hear this, but it does not stop me from giving you the love’.
This you must be able to cultivate in yourself, then you will be able to perhaps nourish the special potential and always assign this word with the word ‘special’, ‘it's a potential’. What happens with it is entirely left to you as parent, child as the one who holds the potential, and to the extent possible the society's support or even opposition to that potential. So if you keep that word ‘potential’ in mind, you are reasonably safe not to lose your way. But do recognise, your child is special.
And if you have invoked consciously a conscious soul, well, you may perhaps be given that gift. Now be worthy of it, because the demand on you is much greater also for the conscious soul. So I think we will close with this idea: For each one of us, our unique relationship with the Divine Mother and each one of us is for her the most special child in this unique way, with a unique special potential that nobody in the whole universe has and she's here nurturing you for your unique special potential. Isn't it?
And so give yourself entirely because she is the only one in the whole cosmos to whom you can give yourself entirely and have always her Divine Love unconditionally. Human mothers cannot give that totally. She alone can. And we have that. Isn't it? As children of the Divine Mother.
Give yourself to her and receive her unconditional love and the more complete, because you can give yourself entirely and exclusively. If you give yourself partially, you receive partially. When you give yourself entirely and exclusively, you receive totally. And this is the key to the sadhana. We'll take a moment to concentrate on this.
<silence>
Namaste.
Alina (1:06:17):
Namaste.